Day 9 of my 30before30...
I'm a sufferer of perfectionism, yes I said a sufferer. Knowing that no one is perfect, other than God; that makes me a sufferer. Perfection is a strain, a burden, something we all know we'll never achieve. Sounds like a downer, but it's just a truth. Things can be in order, things can be great, standards can be made and maintained-but it doesn't have to be perfect. So, while I wished I would have not missed (two now) days of workout since I started...reality is- I missed it. I'll keep going. Wasn't the goal to insert more of the necessary, more of the productive, more of the hard stuff that's the good stuff into my everyday life? Doing it. It wasn't to have a perfectly marked, cutesy checklist to show. So, while my butt is kicked today, it's a good one. The good pain.
Along with my physical butt kicking, I also got my spiritual butt kicked today in regards to fears. I didn't necessarily think I had any fears. I mean, I'm not scared of anything (other than all reptiles, insects, and rodents). As far as life, people, and day to day; I'm a tough cookie. Yeah, a tough cookie.....that crumbles sometimes....oh wait. Is that crumbling, fear? I learned today that fear doesn't always present itself as the big bad wolf. For me, it's the subtle things. So, I'm calling myself out, to face those things that I truly fear (and didn't think I did).
My "Face It, Don't Fear It" List (thanks to Joyce Meyer!)
*Not being perfect- I have to laugh at this one, because logically I know I will never reach perfection. However, I notice that how I do things and what I think is a direct indication that I believe this is attainable. Also, the shear disappointment I feel, but don't always show...that's the longing for things to be perfect. The real freedom, joy, and peace is not when things are all lined up straight and perfect. It's when things are as imperfect as they can be and you still have your joy and peace. So, I am ready to eradicate this fear. Excellence can be sought after, but I'll eliminate the self defeat when imperfections arise. They'll always be there, and since I know this, why over-analyze, why exert the pressure, why give in to the disappointment.
*Others taking advantage- Not a fear I have always been conscious of, but it's there. There's that quiet voice of "I'm not going to allow anyone to...." I think the fill in the blank is different for everyone. For me, it varies on the circumstance, person, etc. Nonetheless, I do put up a tougher exterior to prevent others from taking advantage of me or taking something away from me. Crazy, because that's going to happen in life anyway. Someone at some point will attempt to take advantage. It may come in a myriad of forms, but it will happen. Some can mistake my helpfulness for being willing to "always say yes", my silence for acceptance of what's going on, etc. Whatever the case, these things will occur, so why be fearful. Whatever is taken can be, WILL BE restored. I feel that God acts on our behalf (just like the Nationwide woman in the commercial). Things will be taken, and He'll replace those things with "Brand New Belongings." So, no worries. Life will happen, and those who take advantage will not have reign, or rain on your parade. And, yes in these recently reflective 30before30 days; I have found meaning in the most random things- hence the new Nationwide Commercial.
God is on your side!
*Giving up control- Big one for me! I would even say teachers in general would most likely have this fear as well. I mean we live to control our environment, for the betterment of children, yes. Even so, I have never liked feeling out of control--but again that's life. I mean, are any of us really ever in control? I'm sure while we think we are; God has an LOL moment. The thoughts of "I have to do it because I'll do it right" "I must turn every stone myself." "I have to have a hand in everything." How exhausting, and I've been functioning this way for years. I can do what I can do, and what I cannot control is OK. God, grant me the serenity...I need to say that prayer for often.
All in all, I'm glad I got my butt kicked today! I was reminded that true growth involves pain. Good pain, and good pain is not always physical. My spirit took a punch in the gut. A necessary one, needed to face some things that I fear. Things that can be crippling. Making a list of them, great. Working these things out of my system, THAT'S THE JOURNEY. Not a perfect one, not one that is completed overnight either. But, it will be one worth the effort and one that can only restore the joy and peace that has suffered--actually buried in my fears. A butt kicking isn't so bad, bring it on!
Another day in the books. "30before30"
*Surrounding myself with good people/with good goals/for good causes
*Doing the hard stuff because the hard stuff is the good stuff
*Dotting my i's and crossing ALL of my t's
*Going from "Meh" to "YEAH!!"
*Staying sane while the world goes crazy
*Being more aware and helping others, so I can help myself!
*Aspiring to go from good, to better, to best in ALL things!
*Taking the butt kicking that comes with the journey!